Life At The Moment
When You're Convinced The Entire Universe is Working Against You
That's what I wanted to title this - actually that's what I wanted to title my life at the moment.
I've gotten away from life updates on my blog, and for no other reason than the fact that my life really hasn't changed much. After starting a new nannying job and my final semester at Arizona State, I haven't really been focused on anything else other than graduating, getting my first big girl job, looking for a house, and planning the rest of my life - you know, nothing major. Hopefully you can sense my sarcasm.
Sure, not much has physically changed in my life - but holy hell, the amount of 'what ifs' and 'maybes', are unreal at the moment. I wanted to take a second to be really real with you all, and just let you in on what's been going on in my life. I try really hard to keep this space as positive and carefree as possible, but by doing so, I often forget about the importance of being vulnerable and honest with you. I hate complaining and I feel like nothing good comes out of sulking in your own pity, but a little venting and reflecting never hurt anybody. I've contemplated writing this post many times - I've deleted this post many times - but I feel a sense of responsibility to share my truth in this chapter of my life. After all, that is why I started blogging in the first place.
I firmly believe that mental health is just as important, if not more important than your physical health. Of course we all strive to have a good balance of both, but you know what I'm trying to say. I also believe that your mental health has the ability to grow and change every day, but it all depends on you. It depends on how you perceive a situation, how you deal with that situation, your choice of words, your choice of actions, beliefs and values. Mental health needs to be attended to each and every day because your mental health is tested each and every day. If we skip the gym for a few days - nothing major happens. If we skip appreciating the small things, thinking positively, smiling, or doing something that makes us happy - even for a day - it's a big deal.
I will be a college graduate in less than nine weeks and have no clue where I will be working. Never did I ever think that this feeling would transpire into a full blown anxiety. I'm not one to label anything, but I do know that getting a full time job will determine a lot of other factors, which makes it feel like a pretty anticipated/anxious situation. I wish I could sit back and say, "It'll all work out!" But I'm can't - I'm the polar opposite. I plan and I like to plan and I like to know what's going to happen. Right now, there is no telling what's going to happen or where I'll be in six months from now - hell, one month from now. I want to feel excited and happy about a new chapter in my life, and know that all of my hard work has paid off. But deep down inside, I don't have that comfort and I think that's what makes this so hard.
It's really easy to forget about the small things, think negatively, frown, and do something that makes everyone else happy. Compromising one day turns into one week, one week turns into a month, and in no time turns into a year. Before you know it - you're stuck in this place that feels like the entire universe is working against you.
That's where I was last week. Stuck. Sulking in my own pity.
My reasoning in a nut shell: I applied to a handful of jobs over the last month and have yet to hear back from a single one. At this point, I would be ecstatic to get declined. My current employer pretty much told me I wasn't working as efficiently as I should be because of this obvious stress - and he's right. I got a flat tire two days before taking my car to the dealership for my annual check up and have been car-less ever since. And every other little nuisance or communication flaw that could happen, has happened. I even started to question if Mercury was still in retrograde.
Upon sulking, I somehow managed to find a sense of peace in it all. I'm not sure how or why but all of a sudden it just hit me - I'm the only one who can change my situation and it has to start with how I perceive all of these negative things. Yes, it's a million trillion times easier to just say "F everything! Why me?!?!?" - but it's getting me no where, believe me, I've been saying it for a while now. In the midst of my pessimistic tantrum, I managed to think about the crazy, cliché quotes regarding the energy that you put out, is the energy you will receive. By doing so, I broke that habit and found myself in a very different mindset.
I haven't landed an interview because I haven't put myself out there; online applications don't count. If I want something to happen, I have to work for it and make it happen for myself. When the right position comes along, I have to be passionate enough to step away from my comfort zone, be a little selfish, and go freaking get it. My employer sat me down, called me out and taught me a very important lesson. I wanted to say he was wrong and I wanted to say that everyone's working against me, but I can't and I won't. I stopped caring about my position because I was too focused on the 'what ifs' and 'maybes' - I became apathetic, impatient, and lacking in communication skills that I usually pride myself on. Not having a car for a few days means spending quality time with my dad as he drove me to and from doctors appointments, lunch, and anywhere else that I needed to be, and I am so grateful for that.
This was a new appreciation. Gratitude for the harsh reality of the real world, real employers, and really important family relationships. All of a sudden, it felt like the universe was flooding me with messages and hints that it was going to be okay. I often question my past decisions and whether or not I've made too many wrong decisions to be on the 'right' path. After today, I no longer question anything. I'm here and I'm in this place, both mentally and physically, for a reason.
I'm trying to remember that this feeling is normal, and a lot of other twenty-two year old, soon to be college graduates are feelings many of the same emotions. Some days it does feel like the universe is working against me, I can't deny that. Those are the days that I have to remember to check in with myself; show gratitude for what I do have, appreciate the negatives for the lesson they will teach, and take a deep breath.
Where ever this finds you, I hope you give your universe a chance. Somehow somewhere, someone or something is willing to help, as long as you're prepared to do the dirty work. Take that moment of pure chaos, disdain, and defeat to reflect on the brighter side of it all. Gravitate towards that light and become obsessed with those thoughts. If you have to, write out a list of every single negative thing going for you, followed by one benefit that it has. If there is anything that I have learned over the past few months, it's that everything does happen for a reason, but it's up to you to perceive it in that way. Our happiness can become clouded by outside noise, social media, expectations, and aspirations. While they are all beneficial in their own right, they tend to make our happiness a choice, and battle that is often times hard to choose.
My update is no where near a cool and exciting life update. I haven't purchased a house, landed a dream job, or even any job for that matter.
My update is the start of a new beginning, a new mindset, and a new control over my happiness.
I feel inspired by my blog again, and I feel inspired by community for the first time. I have this butterfly feeling that somehow I need to bring it to life, talk to real people, share my experiences, and help others through their own.
Maybe my next update will have some extra oomph - you know, big girl changes. For now, I'll just keep growing, smiling, loving, and appreciating The Healthiest Me.